New year, new home.

Click on the pic to visit me at my new home:

What if?

(from myspace, 8/27/08):

what if:

if we all lived as if tomorrow were our last day?
if we loved others and ourselves truly unconditionally?
our power was felt in the good we did and not in the width of our pocketbook?
things in life didn't have to be so black and white, full of stereotypes?
we all just stopped being afraid of everything, including ourselves?
you didn't have to play these games everyday?
24 hours were plenty to have in one day?
religion united more than it divided?
we all raised the bar upon ourselves and our neighbors?
could walk away with our heads held high?
I could figure out how to put on slippers instead of carpetting the world?
my patience wasn't tested by everyone around me?
I didn't loathe my body and treated it like my greatest posession?
self-conciousness led us to greater achievements than judgment?
people were honest all the time, even when it wasn't what you wanted to hear?
mistakes weren't mistakes, just gifts that were given before we wanted them?
love weren't a deadly word, thought, game and desire?
if we weren't a superpower and someone else had control?
the next election doesn't bring us the hope we're yearning for?
things were honestly getting better every day?
we didn't have to worry so much about barely getting by?
we had the luxury to help out others in worse situations?
faith came in a pill form?
people who didn't eat and were skinny weren't dickheads?
age meant nothing?
all that mattered was if we were happy?
I could just stop...and breathe...and empty my mind?
I gave people more chances?
I don't know how to let go when I should move on?
I made choices that took me where I wanted to be?
we stopped using all these things as crutches to get by?
we made the choice to believe, if in nothing else, in ourselves?
the work we do does at some point make a difference in someone's life?
sex wasn't as taboo, or as unsafe, as it is?
what if the biggest high of all was belief in something greater than you or me?
we were more connected and interpersonal relationships improved?
politics weren't apart of everything, not just the government?
rules were actually meant to protect us at the end of the day?
there truly is a balance between freedom of actions and security?
people who commit suicide aren't crazy or disturbed?
we've all made it far much more complicated than it needed to be?
cheeseburgers were considered to be 3 servings of vegetables?
we stopped setting ourselves up to fail, only because we love to hate ourselves?
this is the last time we ever see each other again - what would we say? or do?
you could make someone completely and truly happy just by being you?
we stopped kidding ourselves that all these things fill the void inside?
I stopped using food as a blanket?
all the boundaries were broken, would we make more?

Standby.

Sometimes I just want to kiss you
Hold you and never let you go again
And then you go and do a thing like this
Run off, piss me off, call his name
And like he was never gone
He rides up to save you again

I’m tired of selling myself short
Tired of trying so hard
Tired of crying out loud
Tired of taking the blame
Tired of making your excuses
Tired of all the white lies
You’ve stopped loving me
And I’m Tired of standing by

You always come home
To my big open arms
And I forgive you
Once your frame hits the door

You’re here in my bed
Holding me in my sleep
All the while I’m thinking of you
I wonder if you’re thinking of me

Then you go and do a thing like this
Again and again
Waving your red warning sign
I should never have waited for you
I’m not going to stay behind

I’m tired of selling myself short
Tired of trying so hard
Tired of crying out loud
Tired of taking the blame
Tired of making your excuses
Tired of all the white lies
You’ve stopped loving me
And I’m Tired of standing by

Don’t you ever want to move on
Can’t you see that she’ll never stay
All the times she comes home
And you ask yourself
Why’d you go in the first place?

the wave of the future

"come in with the milk."

I'm working on building a new website/blog that will be more in-depth and aesthetically pleasing, as well as informative as far as both personal and professional matters are concerned.

Should be exciting and fresh. Thanks to Shan and his contacts for getting me setup and going and for the rest of you, well...there's more yet to come.

This month has had a lot of automated posts from my Myspace, which I'll be deleting at the end of this year (don't worry - I'm keeping Facebook). Mostly to document all of those entries that I found relevant or pertinent. But also I'm looking to be more streamlined as far as web endeavoring goes.

Stay tuned for more updates and such as I get all my ducks in a row.

xoxo
jt

The lobby...

Sparkly
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

stay the same.

Old conversations rehashed
With every intention of cleaning up this mess
Same unspoken words, eyes gripped on yours
No we’re never gonna change
we just Keep on staying the same

After all the fighting words fell
And the apologies were used up
Love still burns my heart – for you
No we’re never gonna change
We just keep on staying the same

Funny how all the time spent
In fixing something that wasn’t wrong
And forgiving you for being yourself
Was all it took

Fun-nettix

Despite writing things in return for money, health insurance, and a retirement plan, some words in our silly language still trip me up. Why is this? Why are some words so difficult to visually remember their spelling?

Here are words that I consistently question myself on:

sandwich - Because I want to make this word hearty and meatier, as in real life, I want to add the extra 'h' like another piece of cheese on a sandwhich (but it's just wrong...).

Independent - is it sad that for years I wanted to put an 'a' in where the last 'e' lives? Thanks Destiny's Child for clearing this up once and for all.

Caribbean - With two b's, why shouldn't there be two r's? However, I guess one 'r' is good enough.

Noncancelable - yes, this is a word in my work lexicon that confounds me everyday, as well as any spell check known to man. No hypen, not two words. It's ugly. But so are mole rats and they aren't going anywhere either.

Haberdashery - yeah, a clusterfuck of a word.

Definitely - again, for whatever reason I want to shove an 'a' in it somewhere. That goes for most things.

Camaraderie - nope, it's not 'comradery.' Dummy Justin.

And one of my pet peeves is when others spell 'a lot' as one word. I think because I was tortured like a Japanese internment camp prisoner in my 8th grade G.A.T.E. class when I spelled or used it incorrectly. And how do people still not know the difference between your and you're. It's tragic.

Feel free to add the words you hate.

An xmas deer, dear

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In the center of the ring, just like a circus

Today is Britney Jean Spears' 27th birthday. And the same day sees the release of her 'Circus' album. Having listened to most of it, it's a pretty solid affair. Less edgy, urban and dark as the last album, it's more hodge-podge as far as a sound goes. Standouts for me: Circus, Out from Under, Unusual You, Mannequin, Lace & Leather. Good extras: Phonography, Quicksand, Trouble.

Yep, the kid from home alone

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Right next to me.

t’s fine
You take your time
I’ve got no place to be
Sitting here with you
Head in my hands
Breathing softly
I know that something calls to you
From the sunset we see
Asking you to travel on
Probably without me

Sliding down your face
Onto the ground
Carrying everything
Every moment, every sound
Like us, it’s not done

I can smell the colors
The adrenaline in your veins
Rising up to go
I never thought it’d be easy
My hand on the small of your back
Absorbing what I can
Through these broken hands
With that look in your eyes
Of ‘everything will be alright’
I can’t help but sigh
I’m better for knowing you

Sliding down my face
Giving life to something new
Carrying everything
Every particle, each moment
Like us, it’s not done

Night falls and you’ve begun your walk
Away to where your heart calls
With only the stars as your guide
And my voice on your mind
Haunting you, haunting me

the breeze on your neck, that’s me
Carrying you along to where you ought to be
Don’t fear that once one of us leaves
Our bond
After all is said and done
Will be gone
You’ll always be here
In the heart of me

Just me and my hand tonight.

(Written months ago via the Myspace blog, but reposted here for posterity and my indexing. Ironically, right now I've met someone who's pretty amazing so this is only funnier knowing I set this up to post weeks ago)

Just me and my hand tonight.

I’m depressed and lonely. It’s like everyone else that I see gets to have someone, if nothing else for one night only and I can’t. Inside me I want that – what everyone else has. And yet I want more – I want to be with someone who I care about, not someone who I have over and then question in my mind when they’ll be leaving. I can only blame myself for being so insulated. My jealousy is rampant among my friends because they all seem to be successful in this except me – while I am doing rather well in the other areas of my life, in contrast to them.

I feel like such a freak that I can’t seem to find someone who finds me valuable enough to date much less to fuck on a regular basis. Are my expectations too high of this phantom person? Are my expectations too high of people in general? Do I have to compromise what I want this person to be in order to fill these moments of loneliness?
I’m just tired of it. Tired of feeling like an outcast, tired of feeling like someone who isn’t of much value to anyone else. Someone who isn’t capable of being loved by any person – in any sense.

And yet the people who have tried I’ve destroyed out of fear. Somewhere along the road of my life I picked up this baggage of being very afraid of being vulnerable and that to be so was a negative thing with a negative connotation. Typical male right? Well, another at another stop I found the knowledge that, despite our society’s roles of what is masculine and what is feminine, I was okay with expressing my feelings and talking about them and not bottling them up or keeping them private. That also has done nothing but made me a freak compared to everyone else – I can’t even keep friendships because of it. And I’m also not typical male in that I can’t just go out to a bar and meet someone and bring them home. Sometimes I wish I was that person (other refer to this as a ‘douche bag’). I feel like I’d be happier – for a hot minute.

Have you ever felt so much hate for who you are as a person because you just can’t seem to be like everyone else? But then I don’t want to be like everyone else. I like who I am and the people who do like me and or love me do so because I am different than that.

But I’ll be honest – no girl wants a guy who talks about his feelings, no girl wants a ‘nice’ guy, no girl wants a guy who treats her like a person vs. a sexual commodity (luckily, I can do both…), no girl wants a guy who doesn’t have a six-pack or a chiseled jaw or isn’t gangly skinny. I can’t win. Despite my overabundance of ego at times, clearly – I have little real self-confidence, especially in terms of my looks or my personality as far as being a compatible man to a woman.

With average looks and average build and average weight, I am exactly what no woman wants. I know it – when I go out, I see it.

But to be fair, to voice the opinion of others who may know the story more and have read up until this point thinking I’m just having a pity party, there is another side of it. I’m terribly socially awkward – Meyer, you know what I’m saying. It’s like I know people love me for who I am, yet I feel that I’m like wine. You have to want wine in order to enjoy it and it takes a little bit to get used to the taste. Upon first sip, I have a bit of a bite that you might want to trade in for someone else who is a beer – a beer is what I consider most men to be: more likable by the general public. Anyways – that’s a tangent and also can show you how much of an ego I do have.

As I was saying, I’m awkward. I don’t know the right things to say or to do to ‘get’ someone to like me (not that I really have control over that) and I don’t know who I’m supposed to be in order for someone to like me. Also having a bit of an anxiety disorder plays into the fact that I worry a lot about it. When I like someone or want to get to know someone and hang out with them, I think I put too much pressure upon that person. For some reason I’ve always been the type to full invest completely in someone I like and if I’m questioning it, I usually am done and need to go. Not mature options, but they are me none-the-less. I’m trying to do less of the bailing and working through the hurt that people can inflict upon me instead of never opening myself up and fleeing at the first hint that they might hurt me – me instead opting for flight or fight and hurting them first. That’s years in the making that I finally see must be undone. And that’s scary.

For instance, I kind of am interested in someone now and it’s completely out of left field to me and I don’t know why I am interested and it’s terribly awkward and sordid. But I’m really only coming toward it with good intentions and curiosity and not expectations or pressure – but I can only fool myself for so long. And I’d like to explore this possibility more but I don’t know if it’s kosher or even reciprocal. It’s like how do you say to someone “I’m a good guy, give me a chance?”

The thing about women that I hate though is that they never want to tell a guy the truth – they never will just say “I’m not interested” or “No, thanks” – why? Is that to like keep your options open? I know men do it, but that doesn’t make it right – and women, do you actually want to be comparable to men? I know you want the equal playing field as far as sexual liberties, but at some point – someone should and will need to be responsible for the feelings within a relationship. If you have no interest in me – say so. I don’t want to waste my time – but don’t do it out of a selfish need to keep me around when it’s convenient for you to play with feelings that are pretty self-evident.

On the other hand, as a man – I should do the same. Be more communicative in how I feel and to not expect a woman to do all the work in any relationship building. I should also be more responsible with other people’s feelings and value them, as I said before, as a person and not as a means to a sexual release (although I don’t really deny that sometimes those people are necessary too, I just know that I’m a person who gets attached quickly). I also should learn to call women back. Or give them answers to questions they ask. Not feel annoyed that she is being inquisitive.

Maybe I’m trying to change too much? Maybe I’m just not putting myself out there enough – which many would argue. But to counter that, I’m not one to go out into a meat market and try hitting on every girl at a bar or having to compete. I think when it comes to personalities, I could win – but at a bar, it’s about looks – and I know I’ll lose.

I used to wonder why people got married at 19 or 20 but sometimes I understand and get it and think it would be so much easier.
I want a woman who is compassionate, yet can push me to achieve more. A woman who continues to pursue her dreams and supports me in whatever endeavors I want. A woman who commands respect and attention when she walks into a room. A woman who is equally sensitive and equally aggressive – someone to fight back with me when necessary and someone who senses a tantrum and just pacifies my ego because I just need it. A woman to spend Sundays with. A woman who doesn’t necessarily need a man to complete her (Let me address this: while this topic may come across as that I need a woman in my life, it’s actually not necessarily the truth – do I want one? Yes, completely. I’m ready) and finds my company enjoyable.

Someone who gets me and can love me with all my horrendous, yet charming hang-ups. And someone who I know is flawed that I can love as much back, that’s what I want.



To take three steps away from the core of this: I see people who are either in serious relationship after serious relationship, or who just bounce from one night stand to the next and there’s still a common thread – people don’t seem to be happy. Is it just a case of our sense of happiness being victim to the ‘grass is greener’ mentality? Are we all just jealous of everyone else and when the opportunity comes for us to have something good, we are afraid of it, we shit on it and destroy it or will it away before we actually embrace it. I feel like everything about my life sometimes gets very ‘common’ in terms of other people when I sense myself comparing my life to others and how ‘if I had that I’d be happy’ which is probably the most destructive thing I could do to anyone.

I probably do more damage to my cause by carrying so much self-loathing and jealousy within me – but don’t we all? I daresay that at least I own up to my feelings. I think a lot of people are just ignorant of their feelings by choice. Sometimes how you feel is too scary to dissect or discuss or even recognize within yourself. I think people are afraid of who they really are. Whereas I am overly-analytical to the point that it’s counterproductive to my living a stress-free life, but I feel completely aware of who I am and am comfortable in recognizing all these different aspects within my life. I know that I can find men attractive (and might argue that I at one point loved a man more than I’ve loved another person) and know that I’m heterosexual and want to have a wife and kids. I know that I have the right to be angry when people are shitty to me and I don’t have to apologize ad nauseum for things that I truly don’t regret doing or saying. I know that some people are worth fighting for in life and others aren’t. I know that if I want to cry and be emotional, I can and will without feeling ashamed or weak.

The odd part of all of this is that I guess I realize that I do like who I am. That different is good. That I’m capable of a lot of things and utilizing many different aspects of who I am.

Yet I’m still lonely. I want, as Ellen puts it, a cuddle buddy. It’s not necessarily the sex I miss all the time – it’s the affection, the companionship, the validation that my life goes on and someone notices me out of everyone else. I want the sex, too, but I want it all. I want the whole thing. And people say that and then qualify by going “But I don’t want a relationship” – huh? Then what is considered or defined a ‘relationship?’ I just want someone to share everything with. Who has similar goals or dreams or desires out of life. Who wants a family with kids and a dog, who wants to live in the big city for a while but then come back to a place like Indiana or something. A real woman – not a little girl dressed up playing an adult, who is mostly what I see when I go out. A lot of people pretending to be someone better than who they are to pick someone up and then if they start a relationship, have to back peddle to undo all the lies or misrepresentations that laid the groundwork.

I’m over all the deception between men and women. I’m tired of the games and the dating etiquette or protocol. Of who is supposed to call who, how many days after a date or what is the appropriate way to ask someone to dinner/on a date? I feel that I’m very upfront and a lot of people want to make it safe and ‘general’ and I’m just like “look – I want to get to know you, maybe make out, have dinner, watch a movie – you know like, a couple times a week, at some point have sex, then have creative sex, then potentially care more than either of us had planned from the get go.’ And why is it wrong to say that or think that? People are afraid of honesty and I’m tired of beating around the bush, so to speak. I want to go for it when I want something – I am gung ho and don’t do the pacing myself too well.

Maybe I need a puppy. I know I need a puppy.

I know what you are baby

First of all, actually go to the youtube page and watch this in high quality.

Second of all, this is dead-on of a performance she did earlier this week looking exactly like Madonna from her latest tour.

Third of all, is it mashed-up with Dance of the Sugar Plum Faeries? I can't tell what that is? I feel like it's from Fantasia. And I love it.

Fourth of all, pay attention to the awesome projections behind her as you WILL, I REPEAT, WILL see famous Siamese twins Chang & Eng. So yeah, bitch is totally into this circus stuff (and I daresay might pull it off better than Xtina, yep...I went there)

Fifth and last of all, of course she's lipsynching. She's got our crazy, remember? Duh.

The Guise of Laughter

(another myspace post, 7/22/08)

I hide so much in making others laugh. To make sure everyone else is laughing is, to some extent, hiding something from myself - diversion at it's best. Keep them laughing, keep them smiling, keep them happy as to prevent anyone from picking me apart. Of which no one could be better at than me. I think any creative person is emotionally unstable and unbalanced. There's a need to act out in such outlandish behavior to satisfy the needs of tantrums of emotions. While I'm not saying there is a 'normal' lifestyle or place to be, I do sense I'm more abstract in my emotions than others. They get the better of me. They lift me to heights uknown and can bring me to lower points than anyone else would ever be able to go. Is there a manic tendency there? Perhaps. It truly is ebb and flow. The worst part in being this way is not my overwhelming desire to fix something that can't be fixed - that's stopped being my intention. I enjoy who I am, for all that I might entail - whether I date women or men, whether I continue to work or flee the country, whether I keep in touch or cut my ties, whether I raise a family on my own or marry and settle in a suburban lifestyle. Any of these things are possible and I don't discount them. I'm opening up to more and more each day. But as I continue to open, I sense how unpalatable this is to most people. Perhaps it's just this place - this state, this midwestern mentality? Could be. It's hard for me to meet people who won't flake out on me once they realize what my presence entails. I'm like a garden in need of a gardener. A true green thumb with a tender heart. My mind at times feels like Jiffy Pop on the oven that's burning and smoking, ready to explode. That's the beginning of any anxiety attack. Last night I was in bed thinking - thinking about if I had a stroke or aneuryism and what those last seconds would be like in my cognizant state. Needless to say I had to take a pill to overcome the overthinking.

I'm proud of myself. In ways I can't explain. Moving beyond my comfort zone. Finding some rewards and of course disappointment. But not brokenheartedness. When are things really over? Are they ever? Do they ever end? Or once a character comes into the story, their imprint is permanent, isn't it? Never to know if they'll return or under what circumstances. I'm learning to not rule anything out anymore. But I'm listening to what I want - and I'm writing the story. I can decide how it all plays out. How we all interact and whether we forgive, forget, grow or go away.

Even in the moments of tears on my face, music is a salvation. The music plays and my mood switches over. I can forget. i can rest. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not. No weight - just freedom. But with all this freedom, I feel directionless. What do I want? Where do I want to go next? I'd like to be in a stable, normal relationship. I'd like to pursue higher education. I'd like to move to a foreign country. I'd like to vacation on a beach. I'd like to get out of this financial debt I'm in. What master do I serve first? What corners must I cut to achieve all this? There's no guide, no plan, no answer. That's the trick.

Doesn't it also suck when you realize that in a moment of clarity you realize that in a relationship you never had a chance? That it was all wrapped up before you knew what was going on. Funny. Oh, blinders aren't just for your horse.

I should be asleep. That's what I get for going to the gym at 9:30. And I plan on getting up early to go to the gym again. I'll report back on that...

A glass of wine sounds delicious. And a cigar. And love. And hand-holding. And dark chocolate. And satisfaction after a workout. And snorkeling. And visiting a zoo. So many things that I enjoy that are tucked away on index cards in my heart and mind that I forget are there.

Your phone call.

When phone calls are all we’ve got
Everything has changed and I can’t say I’m the same
No one before and no one ever since
Has made me feel as flushed
As much blood coursing through my heart
And feeling like I was about to die
Just because I thought you might be leaving soon
And nothing I could do or say could make you want me more
I saw that in my giving up on myself
That was something that you would never stand for
So in offering all of me to you
You saw nothing left of me to actually love back
Somehow I lost myself and for that I can’t apologize
You’re the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever seen
And like a pain that feels good, I’d rather have you than not
I’ve been taking me for granted for some months now
Losing sight and losing sleep
Losing tears and fearing everyone else who comes near
Knowing that it might hurt me too
And you never mean to, it was always me
I don’t know if I could ever love someone more
Maybe in another way – yes, but I don’t know about more
A string will always hold you near to me
And as much as it can it will stretch to feel
Like you’re breathing into my ear again like the old days
And everyday that I don’t breathe you in
Is a day with little consequence
You could never feel as deep as I do now
And I’m not about to start a competition of affection
It’s funny how I always thought I was the strong one
And you’re the one tending to my bloody knees


And when the day comes that it’s all done
My heart will still be beating and I will keep breathing
Only because you ask me to